I haven’t posted in a very long time. Things are bad right now. I lost my job about a month ago and I’ve been struggling.
My birthday was a success yesterday. I was able to talk to my manager and arrange things where I can work part time and go to school full time starting next semester. The new schedule will be starting next week. I discussed these changes with my boyfriend before I made the decision and he agreed with it but when I brought it up to him again last night he acted like he didn’t remember. weven literally just talked about this Monday night. Besides that, my day went well. Thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post. You all helped me get through it.
I’m turning 25 today. It feels just like any other day or night. It’s actually 2:10 a.m. here in Texas. My heart was racing while I was waiting for the clock to hit 12:00 a.m. and I don’t know why. My boyfriend came home from work and gave me a sweet card. He’s not the type to celebrate things so I didn’t expect anything more. I reactivated my facebook page just to see the “happy birthday” wishes then I plan on deactivating it again. Facebook is so pointless and it makes me anxious.
Tomorrow will be my first day back to work after calling in 2 times last week from my major slump I was in. I’m a little nervous about showing up since I stood up my supervisor for the 2nd year in a row. She held a get together this past weekend for Halloween and I was invited to come over and watch movies with her and a coworker but I never showed up. Instead, I stayed home panicking the whole weekend about not showing up to work and how they would react when I show up again this week. I’m still actually a little nervous but I’ve convinced myself that everything will be fine and to just explain what happened when I see them tomorrow and hopefully they will understand.
I don’t think many of my coworkers will know it’s my birthday and I don’t plan on announcing it because the attention is just going to make me anxious so I plan on laying low and pacing through my day.
Hopefully, it will be a good day 🙂
Happy Wednesday you guys.
I started this blog a few days ago while I was in a very bad space. I was in this very bad fog. So while I was customizing my page I made this really terrible header banner and it’s very negative so I’m going to change it to something positive.
It’s really weird being in a “depression fog”. It’s like I’m a completely different person and I don’t even realize how negative I’m being until I’m finally out of it. It’s different from any regular day of dealing with depression. This was like a full 2 days of laying in bed, crying, thinking of how terrible of a person I am (even though I’m not a terrible person lol.) I’m really happy that I went to see a doctor yesterday.
I was texting my mom early yesterday morning telling her I wanted to go away and start over and she sent my aunt to my duplex to come get me. She showed up unannounced so I had been sleeping all day. I don’t think my aunt has ever seen me like that before. She took me back to her house and we talked and ate BBQ with my uncle. After being around my family I felt much better and more hopeful.
I don’t have an internal medicine doctor here in town so I decided to go to my local express care center today to talk to someone about my depression. I was prescribed Buspar that can be taken with my Welbutrin . I just took my first dose so we will see how it works. 😊
What I hate the most about depression is the small burst of excitement you get every now and then that last maybe 3 seconds when you think of something that use to make you happy…then it’s gone.
I don’t plan on every post being sad. I’ve just been having a terrible weekend.
I stood up some coworkers 2 nights in a row. I was supposed to attend a movie night at my supervisor’s house for Halloween along with a coworker and I completely stood them up. I even bought alcohol and stuff to make pizza sticks and I didn’t even text them to tell them I wasn’t coming.
What’s fucked up is how excited they were to have me join them, they actually thought I would come.
They see a completely different person at work. I’m not really a social person but I guess I’m good at faking it.
I’ve also missed the past 2 days at work.